It’s been a long time since I’ve really written a post here on this blog—the kind of post I used to write here: posts about living a creative life and all of the day-to-day realities of being a human. I’ve been posting my Sky Poems off and on, but they focus more on universal experience. Lately I realize that I feel less alone when I hear the nitty-gritty truth about other people’s lives, and I feel more true to myself when I’m honest about my life in return. So here I am with some truth about where I’m at right now, which is also a bit of a behind-the-scenes explanation of what’s happened on this blog.
A couple of years ago, I came to a crossroads in my art life at which time I chose to close down my art shop and stop doing the business aspects of my art. At the time I said that I was just stopping the business because I wanted to focus on the art, and while that may have sort of been true, the full truth was that I had started to let outward validation (and confusion about my worth based on that validation) get the better of me, and I could not understand what to do but withdraw. I did continue doing some art and writing, but I felt so lost that really I stepped off the path I was on. After several years of feeling clear that my creative work was my life’s work, I didn’t feel clear anymore. I shifted my focus to other things: day jobs, making and saving money, pursuing some other things I care about, like library work. Other big things happened too: I had a baby 8 months ago, and most recently my little family moved from Boulder, Colorado (U.S.A.) to Zurich, Switzerland (my husband got an 18 month job here as a science researcher).
We’ve been in Switzerland for the past 4 months, and this move and going from working two jobs to being a stay-at-home mom has shaken things up in my head. I find myself thinking a lot about what I want my life to be about. This inevitably brings up thoughts about all of the creative adventures I’ve been on and how, when I was really doing this creative work, I felt complete alignment between my inner and outer life. This work felt like the complete manifestation of me, or some sort of big time play. It felt like laughing—that honest, that full of deep belly living. And I miss that.
You may say, but what about your Sky Poems? And you would be right to say that. The Sky Poems are a part of that same energy and play. But it feels like I have been holding back. I have been living as a trickle when there is a rushing river or an ocean just under the surface.
I don’t know what these realizations really mean, how they will manifest themselves in my life. And I have learned again and again that it’s silly for me to make promises in terms of creative output because I am not in control of what comes and how things happen. And that is one of the things I love about creativity—the mystery. I also love the possibility and the expanse: put your faith in creativity, believe in it, surrender to it, and you never know what roaring wildness will come. I have missed living from that place. I hope to be able to find my way back there and begin to share that rediscovery here in this space once again.
Thank you to all of you who have continued to follow along in my adventures for all of these years, and thanks to anyone new happening by for taking a peek. I hope you’ll come back and see what develops and use whatever you see here to light a new fire in you.
Lastly, I would like to say that I am reopening comments on this blog. A while ago I closed comments in order to help myself detach from needing feedback. But now I realize that was largely part of my instinct to withdraw. So, I am reopening comments, which means : comment, don’t comment. Whatever strikes your fancy. Have a wild, wonder-filled creative day!